T

I was at swim lessons, watching Zane do some crazy version of a back float, loving on Preslie, and venting to Allie about how frustrated I was with my 7 year old and his early onset bad attitude. Dev called, and delivered news that made me catch my breath , my heart stop,and, for a moment thought, I would surely be sick.
Theresa had died.
Theresa was Devins foster sister. But the foster really isn't necessary. She was family. My sister in law. My children's Aunt, and a favorite one at that. Titles weren't needed. I would catch myself being envious of her- she had ambition and drive, and a determination I wish I had. She always seemed to be trying something- motorcycles, horses, golf,cooking, carpentry, different classes, she had a degree in biology and then decided to do the police academy. She loved kids. She was the one who would play with the herds of children when we were all together. She built a marble track for the nieces and nephews. She lived with us for a bit in Pocatello, and often we would come across some home project or repair that she had just done- we didn't ask. She just did it.
She had a way with people- she would meet someone and it didn't seem to take long for her to be able to chat it up with them; I remember while she was living with us, my parents came for a visit and she somehow ended up having hours worth of conversation with my anti-social father. She seemed to always be on the hunt for what life had to offer.
Theresa committed suicide.
I had a difficult time writing that. I had a difficult time saying it to my children. I have moments when it still just doesn't seem real- not Theresa. But it's true. Suicide has become so real to me.
It was just over a year that my dear cousin Nathan committed suicide. And now Theresa. Heart ache.
And again, I'm struck with how grief is such a roller coaster, but when a life is lost by their own doing- how much that adds to the pain and guilt and curiosity of it all.
These were people who did not lack love. I KNOW this. They didn't lack a support system, or friends, or family.
It is so so hard to not get obsessed with the whys and what could any of us have done to have a different outcome. It makes you lose sleep, and cry when you least expect it, and replay moments over and over in your head. And pray.
Lately my prayers have been for peace and comfort, but also for more kindness and tolerance and acceptance. I need to be softer. To try harder to understand others emotions. Including my kids and friends, Devin, family,and youth that I work with thru church. I too often internalize a situation- instead of taking just a moment and finding justification in the others actions. Instead of skipping over the dramatic teenage girl Facebook rants- maybe I can ask if they want to talk. Its ok to admit sadness- even if there isn't a reason for it. Depression was seldom on my mind, but now I find myself being as terrified of it as cancer. I never thought of depression as deadly- but now it has claimed lives that I loved. Is there a cure?