Friday, April 22, 2016

Burn Out

I keep thinking that on June 1st I'll be ok. Just make it until June. The countdown has started (weeks ago).

Last night I crawled into bed at 9pm totally exhausted. Too tired for stories or prayers or laundry or dishes. My last ounce of anything spent on fake patience. I'm burnt out and frustrated and something needs to give and I have no idea what. I haven't had time to really blog- but here's a sum up:

PTA President
Full time school board attendee- 
PCAT commitee 
Primary President
Sit on the board of the Evanston Hungry Child backpack program 
Work- 2 days a week
Property Manager (I think that's over)

So hang on. See that order? I didn't do that on purpose but it's pretty right. I'm really not doing a good job of these priorities. 

My mind is consumed with school currently. Why do I have to fight and spend endless hours on research and state benchmarks and meetings before meetings to prep- becsuse I want my elementary kids to have art? Not kidding. They don't get art. They don't get social studies. The reading curric is a joke. Our district has substantial funds for talented and gifted in the ele level and there are zero programs for those kids. But the money is being spent. The administration is currupt and driven by personal interest and relationships- it's all a fight. It keeps me up at night. The more we dig, the more we find that is wrong. It's just wrong. The dishonesty runs so deep and there is no light at the end. Ignorance was bliss. How do I go back to being ignorant? I keep telling Dev, move, put me on a ranch of 100 acres and I will homeschool and mind my own business and stay completely unaware. I want the bliss. Instead I get phone calls and emails constantly from teachers and parents- we have late night meetings and brainstorm solutions, we spend so much time contacting state legislature and legal advice, we write FOIA requests and spend our own money to pull public records- will anything good come of all of this? I just don't know. We have such awesome resources in WY- we should be the best of the best, but tucked away in this tiny community, is a totally dysfunctional school district- and at the end, it's the kids who are being ripped off. In all honesty- my boys are fine currently. But I KNOW it should be better. 40 mins away in a different district, things are better. They have amazing opportunities that my kids aren't getting. Why? I can't stop fighting for what is deserved. I won't just settle for the lies and explanations. Im exhausted though. 

Last night I sat at a PTA fundraiser that earned $58.00. So defeated. 
I beg for volunteers. I beg for money. 
I feel like I have zero pride.  

We hand out 185 food bags every weekend to kids who don't have food if they aren't at school eating school food. It's heartbreaking. Tuesdays we pack bags, friday mornings we load them into cars and deliver them to the schools. Sometimes on Fridays I get calls from pissed off parents who think their child should have gotten a bag - but because they were absent they didn't. They seem to think that we should have given that bag to a sibling. I want to tell them they are ungrateful and entitled jerks. I never do. But believe me- it sucks the joy right out of something so good. 

I needed to vent. In private. (Sort of)

I'm not going to quit anything. But my goal is to rearrange. Find the joy in all of these things.. Strip it down to my motive of doing good. Hug my babies. Wash some clothes and keep counting down until June. 

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